Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Missing My Baby


It's odd how memories sneak up on you. I am not quite sure why, but Emma has been on my mind a lot lately. There is something so special about grandchildren, those are the ones that you are supposed to spoil beyond belief and not feel bad about.

Although I haven't written much about her, she is in my thoughts constantly. Being born 16 weeks early shows that she was a very impatient little girl. Living much longer than she was "supposed" to shows that she was every inch the fighter. Six incredible months I got to play with her, read to her, love on her and admire her. It was no where near long enough.

Nearly ten months have passed. I still have to catch my breath when I find things that we bought her or see one of the dozens of books that I read to her constantly.

I had promised her that I would teach her things, like how to shop, how to read, and, despite her mother's incredibly bad grammar, how to speak properly. I also had visions of tea parties, sewing doll dresses and catching fireflies.

It's funny how God has other plans.

She was our first grandchild. There is something so very indescribably special about first things. First kisses, first dates, first loves, catching your first fish, your first car, your own first child.

Although there were many things that she missed out on, there were also things that I made sure to accomplish. Certain things that all little girls should experience were carried out as best as possible.

Even though we could not touch her for nearly six weeks, I started reading to her from almost the day she was born. We had read every Dr. Suess book imaginable. Stories from the Bible were also frequent. As soon as we were able, I would rock her and sing to her. I treated her as if she were in my own home, rather than in the hospital where she lived her entire life.

Since all the machines gave her terribly chapped lips, my remedy was a sweet pink lip gloss. Pink was her signature color. When we knew that she was in her last days, I bought her the prettiest pink nail polish, and her manicure was so befitting of a southern belle.

Children are a blessing from the Lord, no matter how long or short you get to hold them. Six months and one week was no where near long enough, but I am grateful for every minute that I got to spend with my sweet angel.

It took me a while to figure out how to "label" myself. One day I was a grandmother, the next I became a grandmother to an angel. Some grandparents call their grandbabies angels, but mine truly is one.

Maybe it is that the holidays have finally slowed down and my thoughts and emotions are catching up with me. Maybe that it's that her actual due date was this week. I only know that nearly a year later, I still ache for her.

40 comments:

B said...

Oh my goodness. Your beautiful little tribute to your daughter just touched me, and reminded me of my oldest who also died. It is strange when those memories hit at the least expected times. Thank you so much for sharing. My thoughts are with you and your daughter.

The Blonde Duck said...

What a wonderful tribute.

Peggy said...

Emma is such a beautiful angel! What a blessing that she had such a wonderful grandma. I know she holds a special place forever in your heart but now you have a very special angel watching and smiling over you. Hugs my friend

Leigh said...

What a wonderful grandmother you were to her....and still are. She will always live in your heart. Though, that is not the answers we always want. But I do know that while she was an angel here on Earth, your sweet little baby girl is your angel in Heaven.
My prayers be with you. May God comfort you and your family.

Katy said...

I am so sorry for your loss. What a sweet little girl. So tragic she had to die so young....but the time you all got to spend with her must have been such a blessing!

How is your granddaughter's parents doing with their loss? What a difficult time for all of you. I just found your blog and wanted to say Hello. I lost a child through an ectopic pregnancy...so I never got to spend any time with that little one...but I do know the ache never quite goes away totally. I look forward to seeing my little one again someday....as I am sure you look forward to seeing your granddaughter again one day! :) Many hugs sent your way! :)

Sandi@ My Yellow Door said...

Dear Gina,
What a lovely tribute to your little granddaughter and what a wonderful grandma you were to her! My heart goes out to you and I pray God will comfort you with your special memories. I can't imagine losing one of my grandsons; I have four. Thank you for sharing and reminding all of us to treasure those in our lives. Each one is a gift from God!

Blessings,
Sandi

Kelly said...

I wish I had words to make the hurt go away. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss. I can feel your pain and hope the ache lessens with time. Losing a child whether a grandchild or your own must be the hardest thing to bare. Remembering a love one keeps them alive if only in our hearts. Cheryl

JEWEL said...

I am so touched and I feel for you. You are a Grandma, she is still in your heart. She is looking over you. Nothing can explain why a child so young would be taken. I feel comfort in thinking that she came for a purpose. I wish you strength.

Kelli said...

Hi, I stopped by from SITS. So sorry to hear about your loss. She is a beautiful little baby and I am sure that she is rejoicing with the Lord today and loving you from heaven. Thanks for your heartfelt tribute.

Deb said...

Dear Gina
What a lovely tribute to your precious granddaughter on this "Anniversary of the heart" from such a loving Grandmother. Keeping you in my thoughts today.

Firefly@www.firefly-shop.org said...

I can’t express how sorry I am for your loss! That is the most beautiful tribute I've come across in a long long time. You have me in tears here. She was so beautiful and it just isn't fair. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers :)

Donna said...

Oh, Gina... Oh my goodness, I am in tears now reading that beautiful tribute to your precious granddaughter... I am so, so sorry for your loss.. for your whole family's loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you all... Donna @ An Enchanted Cottage

blueviolet said...

Gina, that was absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that. I'm so sorry that she's now an angel but I'm glad that while on earth she was given the gift of having you for a grandmother.

Tamara said...

It's so wonderful to know that she is home, waiting for all of us to arrive :)

Thanks for the lovely post!

Beth's Blog said...

Gina,
I am so sorry for your loss. That was a very beautiful tribute!

Glitter and Bliss said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I do believe that she is in heaven, and one day you will be reunited. Until then, just keep her close to your heart.

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

What an absolutely beautiful tribute for an absolutely beautiful angel. My heart goes out to you - you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Nana said...

I can't even imagin your grief. What a beautiful little one. She will always be so special in your heart. We have 6 grandchildren. I love them all so very much. One of our grandchildren is a special needs child, she has such a special place in our hearts. The emotions can't be expressed for that little one. I think it is very normal for your heart ache to surface every so often. What a great Grandmother you are.

Gina @ Six in the Country said...

After reading all of your comments, I am in tears from all the sweet things you have to say. Thank you, each and every one, for taking the time to reach out to me on a day when I was so low.

Her mom is doing well these days. She was not quite 18 when she had her, and now she is in college and working full time. She just completed her first semester and is studying to be a neonatal nurse. I know that she will have great compassion for the babies that she will one day take care of.

You have all touched my hearts, for which I am very blessed.

Kristen Andrews said...

what a beautiful post, my heart goes out to you.

Fifi Flowers said...

Beautiful writing about your little angel. She will always be safe in your heart.

Amanda@Imperfectly Beautiful said...

What an unbelievably touching tribute to your angel grandbaby. I am so sorry for your loss. I too have an angel waiting for me and my family in heaven. What sweet reunions we will have one day!

~Amanda

Simplicity said...

Well, isn't she just the most beautiful little angel!? I let a few tears flow for you while I read this post. Sometimes there is no explanation for how or why these things happen. You certainly took the time to appreciate her short, beautiful life as a fighter and that's wonderful! Big hugs to you!!!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oh, man. You really break my heart with all this love poured into such a tiny package--your grandchildren will all be so lucky to have you as a grandma--in such a short time you managed to lavish more adoration on that baby than many people do in ten years.

Jerri Lynn @ Southern Sassyness said...

By the way - thanks for the award. I will post about it soon! ;)

Jerri Lynn @ Southern Sassyness said...

Well, I can't find my original comment! Sorry - meant to tell you how much this post means to me. It is so touching and makes me grateful for my healthy children. She is so beautiful and I know greatly missed!

Girly Stuff said...

What loss...And you have absorbed it so well. What a sweet angel you have...And what a wonderful Grandmother you are! (And momma)

Your daughter has been given a huge jump in life. She know things that it takes others years to find out. She will be wonderful as a neonatal nurse.

Buzzings of a Queen Bee! said...

I am so, so sorry that you didn't have more time with your precious granddaughter. Her photo was angelic and I truly believe she is in heaven. I lost one of my own to miscarriage and it is a loss that few understand, but is so incredibly real. God bless you!
Carrie

Belle (from Life of a...) said...

God bless her sweet little heart, your little angel!

Domestic Accident said...

Gina- I'm so sorry. I can't imagine that pain. My son was born 10 weeks premature, and I remember seeing those tiny babies and being in awe of the strengths of their families. So much love in such tiny packages. I'm saying a prayer in her memory.

Terrie's Lil' Piece of Serenity said...

Gina, My heart aches for you. She was as beautiful as can be. I am glad you spent the time with her at the hospital that you did. You see I understand what it's like to see that tiny little baby girl laying there fighting for her life. How do I know?? My only child/daughter was born at 24 weeks. We did not get to hold her for her first month of life. But, once she started growing she did very well. We got to bring her home a 2 months old. I do thank god each and everyday for letting me keep her. She is now 35 years old. She was a true miracle. Please... know that she is in heaven and you will see her again.
She knew how much you loved her. I truly believe that!! I wish I could give you a hug!! Terrie

Jo said...

Oh, I am so sorry to hear or your loss. Your lovely words share so much of your sweet relationship with your grand~daughter. Your reading selection brought a smile to my face. I'm certain she enjoyed every minute of hearing your voice.

Fondly,
Jo

Peach said...

What a lucky little girl she was to have someone like you in her life! I can't even begin to try and fathom what it must have been like to have such a sweet angel baby and then to have her taken away - how strong you all must be...

Ms. Tee said...

Hi Gina
I'm so sorry about your granddaughter. I'm just now getting caught up on my blog reading and I'm just seeing this.
What a beautiful tribute you wrote to her - I know you can't wait until you see her in heaven again.
{{{{Hugs}}}}

K-Mom said...

I'm so terribly sorry about your granddaughter. I didn't know you had suffered such a terrible loss.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family.

FairyWonderful said...

I am sitting here in complete sadness but a strange thankfulness... My baby was born 12 weeks early so I completely know the day to day wonders of how is she today.. can we hold her today... is she having any spells... and so on... I know that nothing can fill this void but to possibly bring you some grins... my little angel is now 2 and the inspiration of my business www.fairywonderful.com....

she is also the center of my blog www.fairywonderful.blogspot.com

I will keep you and your family in my prayers and bless you with peace:0)
Thank you for sharing

Mary Jane Liegl said...

I am sorry; I cannot even imagine such a loss! Her little life was such a Big blessing!

Aimie said...

That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a touching tribute to your sweet angel.

The Shabby Princess said...

Oh my word. What a lovely tribute to her. I love that you painted her nails. So sweet and loving...